Does anyone remember that old hippie/beatnik/whatever cartoon, George of the Jungle? Not the one with Brendan Fraser, but the other one? Yeah, I thought so. Basically, it starred this borderline mongoloid Tarzan knock-off who was into a cavegirl named Jane and there was an ape. Named Ape. Yeah, I know. I know. ... You can stop yelling at me. ''I said I know!!!''
Anyway, I was running away from a Dollar Tree store after I stole a bag of off-brand cheetos while the store manager, Guantanemo, was busy studying a mag on how to cook the greatest Cinco de Mayo dinner known to man. He was chasing me with a broom and telling me it was a gun, and because I was high I totally believed him. After running for approximately 15 miles into the desert and realizing I needed water... well, I was fortunate that ol' Ginny gave up his chase just then. No, I didn't find an Oasis (though I love their first three albums), but after accidentally sitting on a cactus and jumping high into the air in agony (''"Yeee owwwww oooch!"''), I noticed a VHS tape sitting on the corner of a rocky cliff. At worst, I figured I could take it back into town and trade it, for water. Or, by then, I'd probably have found a water fountain, so weed, I guess.
I don't remember if I found a VHS tape player or if it was just a hallucination, but I vividly remember things started out with the ape named Ape. He was smoking a pipe and wearing a technicolor coat and mumbling some words to himself about newspapers these days only being interested in what celebrities President Barack Obama was 'buttfucking for publicity.' This was rather awkward, because George of the Jungle was produced in the 60s or 70s or some shit like that, long before Barack Hussein Obama was even sworn into office as a civil rights leader!
It was at this point that I realized that the usual George of the Jungle theme song, about swinging from vines and going "oh oh oh oh oh" like you're giving head to a dominatrix leopard man, was suspiciously missing. Instead, various quotations from Ann Coulter about the minimum wage being class warfare and Alf eating cats ran on the screen in a Star Wars text intro scroll fashion. At this point, I was scared.
The camera then went back to Apeman's hut. "I killed George". Ape stared at the screen and said this! The camera zoomed deeper into his face. There was a vein popping out of his forehead.
Ape had an aneurysm and he died. His pipe came to life in an Anastasia kind of way, and a skeleton popped out of the hut's closet. "I can't believe I can come out now!", the closet said in a stereotypical California Valley Girl kind of voice. Then the pipe started blowing bubbles instead of smoke. "I am not allowed to smoke anymore, because I am not a pole.", it said in a low, demonic voice. At this point, I was still scared.
Then George and Jane fell out of the closet. Jane was known other than Jane the Killer! She bounded and gagged George, who seemed to be liking it an awful lot. I went to masturbate, using the bag that belonged to the off-brand cheetos.
My dick turned orange. ... Cool.
Anyway, I ate the VHS tape after that because I was thirsty and thought it would turn into water in my stomach. Because it didn't, I got milk from the cactus and pretended I was suckling on a teet. Unfortunately again, it was actually a prickly and I jumped back into the air. I landed 15 miles away at the Dollar Tree store. Guantanemo had me arrested and I threw up the tape in jail and traded it for weed. Then an ape man became my cell partner. He told me that the glove wasn't his, because it didn't fit. Then I masturbated. Then my hands were orange.
Then I woke up.